Wednesday, 5th October, 2011.

Today has been the most difficult day of my life (so far).

My Papa is extremely unwell, and I doubt he's going to be here for much longer with us. Today, he was taken away in an ambulance, had tests, x-rays of his chest and blood taken. He's now asleep in my little sister's room (she's doubling-up with me in my room) and basically sleeping his life away. He knows how ill he is, but I am glad that he is with us in our home. If any thing happens, he'll have all of us surrounding him instead of being in his own house by himself. He has people who love him watching over him and making him as comfortable as possible - but I'm worried how scared he is, because he won't say it. I have no idea if he is scared, or if he's accepted the situation. I just don't know.

My great auntie and both uncles came up to visit him earlier, and I broke down crying in front of them. I bloody broke down, they don't need to see that after seeing their brother laying ill. I feel like shit, but I just couldn't hold it in. He's one of the greatest people in my life and he's slipping away, he's my best friend and it hurts so much to see him like this. I've never lost any one close to me before, and it's agonizing knowing he won't be here soon. I love him so much, with all my heart.

I hate waiting and knowing nothing; I want to know what he's feeling, I want to speak to him but he just wants to sleep. I completely understand, I know I'm being selfish. But isn't everyone selfish in these situations? It feels like my hearts slowly being torn away from my chest. He's mine and when it happens, I don't know what it's going to do to my insides.

This may be my last post for a while.